It's Not Easy Being Green
by mayanscaper
Summary: An AU version of the Screeth who stole Christmas.
1. Chapter 1

1It's Not Easy Being Green

by Ixchup

Disclaimer: I don't own Farscape, I just borrow its characters for harmless play.

Author's Note: No beta was harmed in the writing of this thing.

The lights on the Christmas tree blinked and shimmied causing glimmering shadows to play across the walls all along the stairway leading up to the bedrooms. John pointed Winnona out of the door of his room before he followed cautiously. His pulse beat a carol against his chest as he stared into the flickering darkness. He couldn't hear if Aeryn had regained her equilibrium after being smashed against the cocktail table. Mom would be so devastated at the mess. For once John was glad she wasn't around to see another of his plans shot to hell.

What was that critter? It was green and red, like Christmas...ah a Christmas Critter... no, suck it up Crichton... don't get punchy, man. You're hunting a huge frelling cockroach from hell. John moved carefully further out into the corridor and spun suddenly as a claw grabbed his ankle firmly and jerked him off balance.

"Shit!" he cried as he tumbled toward the hole in the wall where the shiny green spiked arm was reaching through to firm up its grip on the man. John hit the emerging red-jawed head with Winnona while pushing its slobbering teeth away from his face. The critter just wouldn't get the message and leave, but leaned forward carrying John closer to the rail that separated the corridor from the two-story drop off. John reached desperately up and grabbed the monster by its neck but was too late as they both tumbled through the railing and over the side, falling 12 feet or more to the floor below.

John lay on his back, totally winded, gasping for a full breath through the pain that radiated up through his chest. Must-a busted a rib, he thought as he tried to move, but found he was totally immobilized by the burr-covered claws that covered his face and held on to his chest. Blood rand down his face from the tiny cuts and he could feel a hot slimy something moving through his face paralyzing his cheeks and neck and running down his chest to meet the poison that pulsed from the cuts along his ribs where the creature's other hand pressed heavily. His mind felt muzzy and distant as he looked into the blackest eyes he had ever seen. Like deep pools of evil they sucked him in and seemed to dig into his brain. He instinctively knew that the creature was looking for wormholes. Everybody looks for wormholes. He screamed and tried to move his head as the pushing feeling continued and begin to electrocute him from the inside out. "Get outa my head!" he screamed, but no sound escaped his frozen lips.

He whimpered as the inquisition continued seemingly forever and he knew he was loosing the battle. He wished he knew who had sent the critter from the black lagoon. He couldn't feel his arms or legs and the pain from his chest was so fierce that it muted the electrical buzzing in his head. From a distance he heard Aeryn calling, but he couldn't answer. He never figured he would die in his dad's house on Christmas Eve. It just sucked. And the lights sparkled and dimmed as he lost his battle with consciousness.

The Screech looked up from its interrogation of the human. She continued to transmit to Grayza the amazing amount of nonsense he found while seeking to locate the wormhole technology she was being paid to collect. Grayza's insistent voice was annoying as the alien focused on an allusive thread. There! She could see a recent memory of a man with no eyes and abundant information on navigation and unrealized realities. As the Screech bent towards Crichton, Aeryn took a chance and aimed carefully at the crystal chandelier as it swung on its cord. With the pulse blast still echoing, the heavy lamp came crashing down on top of the Screech and Crichton, slamming its pointed bottom into the alien's chest and rolling it off of the stricken man.

Aeryn crawled as fast as she could over to John's side and dragged his unconscious body away from the carnage that was about to get worse from the sound of Lo'La's engines humming and the pulse fire gearing up for a precision shot. Glass shattered, as the Screech's rising form became fragments of energy that rapidly dissipated, twinkling like added lights in the now darkened and smoky home.

"John, John, can you hear me?" Aeryn called softly as she rubbed her hands over his face. There was no reaction as he lay there bloody and comatose next to his father's panting body.

"Wha-what' happened?" Jack coughed and sputtered as he rolled over to survey the damage to his home and family. A short distance away Olivia rubbed her aching head as she too pulled herself up to a sitting position.

"Jack, is there a medic or diagnostician nearby?" Aeryn's cold, precise voice called out. "John needs help quickly."

"God, John!" Jack yelled as he suddenly saw his son where he lay among the ruins of the chandelier. "Olivia, dial 911!"

Grayza cursed inwardly as she surveyed Braca where he lay in a dazed state by her side. Frell, that Screech must have died because the data transmission was cut off exactly when it seemed that she had reached the wormhole technology. She just didn't know how Crichton managed to thwart another conquest, but he had.

Aeryn approached the bed where John lay among the murmuring machines that monitored his life signs and the bags of antibiotics and painkillers that flowed into his arm. She hesitated when she realized he was awake and looking at her with sad eyes.

"I never got to answer your question, what was it…the other night," he said softly.

"It is now five solar days, John. You've been unconscious five days."

"Oh. My life is so frelled up, Aeryn," he rolled his head and tried to rub one of the bandages with his shoulder. Aeryn moved to his side and rubbed the irritation for him as she looked down and bit her lip.

"I-I would have said stay," John said as he tried to blink the moisture from his suddenly red eyes. He sighed and swallowed as he continued, "Aeryn, I've come to realize something as I lay here. I-I know that I've been an ass. Selfish, closed-in, and just plain ornery towards you. I thought I had my reasons."

Aeryn sighed and looked down at her hands where they carressed his closed fist that lay whitening on the bed. She slowly looked up at him and down into the depths of his eyes. The pain there startled her and she flinched. She thought that she was the one with the conflicts and shattering emotions, but hers matched his one for one. There was nothing she could say, so she waited.

"I thought I had everthing figured out. I thought if I pushed you away that Scorpy couldn't get me through you. I thought if I convinced myself that you didn't matter, that you wouldn't. I was such a fool. Scorpy is gonna know my heart because I can't hide it any more. Everyone seems to read the signs except me. Olivia saw my tell. Dad saw my tell. Hell, Grayza sees it. Even Sparky isn't blind. Only me."

Aeryn smiled and nodded, her eyes filled with tears for John's confession. He was such a drannit.

"Well, the shit is gonna hit the fan, but I don't care any more. I need you, Aeryn. The pressure is killing me. Screw the bad guys!" John raised the hand attached to the IV to his brow, his face contorted with both his emotions and the sudden pain in his head.

"I can't protect you or my family from me or the screwed-up universe we live in. I can't keep Scorpius from learning that you are my life, my guide, and my only reality. I figure you've been wondering about that black bulb and the fairy dust. Well, I've been cheating you, Aeryn. Cheating myself. Hell, I can't believe I've become the poster boy for Just Say No! Well, here's another confession. I have been trying to hide in dren and the old lady's shit and all it does is make things worse. It doesn't bring clarity, it clouds issues. I can't keep this up. The other night it was some critter that followed me home from school. Tomorrow it will be Scorpy come to suck my blood. I can't control their comings and goings. All I can do is live my life. You, you are my life. You and the baby." John panted from the strain of his speech. It was the most difficult thing he ever had to admit. He had no control. No control over his emotions, his life, or his enemy's actions.

"Someone once said to me that our lives were in the hands of fate. I think we have to fight fate by ignoring her." Aeryn stated quietly, giving in to her needs over her anger and frustration at this frelled-up man she adored. "I love you John Crichton and I will stand here by your side and fight green monsters and black-clad half-breeds if you would just keep telling me the truth."

Aeryn took John's hand in hers and placed it on her cheek. John looked at his love and realized that he should have trusted his twin; she did take time and patience. "Aeryn, will you forgive me?"

Aeryn pointedly ignored his question, but smiled down at him, "Your father and sister are here to see you. D'Argo took Chiana and Sikozou up to Moya so we could have some privacy. I assume that as soon as you are able you'll want to leave. Grayza can't be far away from the mouth of the wormhole." Aeryn swallowed. There was more dren that John had to face, more sorrow to bear. She squeezed his hand and looked towards the door.

John nodded his thanks to his best friend and lover, "Yeah, bring 'em on, I gotta tell dad and Olivia about the Grinch who stole Christmas. I'll tell you that story sometime. It is my life in a nutshell.


	2. Chapter 2

When green is all there is to be  
It could make you wonder why  
But why wonder why wonder  
I am green, and it'll do fine  
It's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be

—Jim Henson

**Rated**: PG for Angst

**Author's Note:** It's been five long years since I've felt the urge to write something. But I just re-read my story, It's Not Easy Being Green and found I had more to say. So, please excuse any roughness around the edges because I'm rusty, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

**Disclaimer**: Jim Henson Company and all the crew, actors, and corporate whatnot own the show, Farscape. I'm just playing with the characters for a while.

**Timeframe**: Terra Firma

_You don't have to have read the prequel, but it helps._

John lay amongst the tubes and machines and let their beeping and humming drown out for a moment the rapid beating of a blood vessel on his forehead that was causing a pulsing pain down his jawline, through his neck and shoulder and then down his arm to his hand which he knew Aeryn had nestled in her own from the tingling sensation that passed for feeling there. He swallowed painfully as he looked from Aeryn to the doorway where he knew his sister and father would be coming at any second. He was frelled, yet felt sort of lighter and knew it was Aeryn's acceptance of his confession as well as his release of all the bottled up fears he'd been holding so close ever since… he had no idea how long. Forever and a wormhole. He couldn't feel anything below his waist and what he did feel above definitely wasn't fun. The low burning tingle of nerves re-awakening was driving him slowly batty. But batty was better than dead.

Aeryn looked down at John and noticed that he was wincing and sweating. She felt his rapid pulse through his hand that could barely clutch her's although it was stark white and she could see each tendon pulse with what must be agony to cause such a reaction. But he said nothing, as usual. Still keeping secrets to protect her, it seems. She sighed and took a cloth and wiped the perspiration from his face and shook her head.

"What?" he queried.

She knew there was a lot more questions in that simple word that John used so often when he wanted to misdirect notice away from himself. "What," she responded back because she could play the game, too. But she was worried about the coming talk with his father and sister and if he was in this much pain was it really a good time to bring up the truth about their lives in the Uncharteds? But John was stubborn, and he'd weather it like he did so many other things. She squeezed his hand gently only to see him grimace and roll his head back on the pillows. Frell! She'd forgotten the extent of his injuries and shivered with the thought that she'd almost lost him. And he'd said, "stay."

"Stay," he murmured as Jack and Livvie stood tentatively at the doorway to the hospital room. She nodded with a small smile, and he sort of smiled back with his lopsided expression that meant, "we can't change things so let's barge on through," and then turned his head towards his family.

"John!" cried Livvie who took in Aeryn's stance tight by her brother's side, her hand holding John's and John's shoulders and softening mouth that told her so much about the situation. She smiled through her tears at the two lovers.

Jack followed his daughter into the room and also noticed how much more relaxed the formerly tense and tentative Peacekeeper was along side his son who seemed like a weight had been lifted off him in the midst of all his obvious pain and sickness. Jack grinned at Aeryn Sun and his son. "Finally!" he thought although all he also said was, "John." And nodded his head acknowledging the transformation.

All of these single word conversations converged around the stricken man in the bed where he blinked away sudden tears realizing how much time he'd wasted being stupid. "Yeah," he thought, "that's his middle name." He felt dizzy, hot, and totally not ready for the coming conversation, but maybe that's what healing is supposed to feel like. He just wasn't much good at expressing his feelings and he had more dren to spread around. He sighed and swallowed again.

Aeryn, seeing his discomfort, looked at him and down to the bed controls and when he nodded, she used them to slightly raise the head of the bed. He grunted in pain and just whispered, "stop." And then seemed to remember his manners, and smiled at her all the way to his eyes that said everything she longed for, and said, "thanks." He tried to reach for the glass on the bed table and missed when his hand wouldn't open wide enough. He cursed under his breath in what sounded to Aeryn like a mixture of Luxan and Nebari.

"Don't," she said and gently held the cup with its straw to his lips while he stopped mumbling and drank thirstly. "You are so stubborn," she said but her hand in his made the complaint into a complement.

When he had finished drinking, he turned his head towards his family, Aeryn included, where they had taken chairs around his bed. The door was closed.

John nodded and asked quietly, "What do you want to know first?"

Jack looked at John and shook his head at his son's toughness. There he lay, barely able to move, obviously in great pain, and he had pushed that to one side to finally let them in on his life in space. He had no idea where to start, but he knew sadly where he had to end, with the death of D.K. and Laura. Well, any place would do, so he said, "What was that thing that attacked you the other night? What did it want?"

John sighed. "I honestly don't know what it was. There are so many critters out there. Most are harmless but some can mess with your mind, crawl up walls, have personalities like Son of Sam on a bad day, and just generally piss people off. I'm guess'n that this one came from a rather nasty Peacekeeper Commandant."

John continued, "Lemme start earlier and you'll get a better inkling of why I have gray hairs."

Upon Jack and Olivia's nods, he began to tell them the story of his encounters with wormholes, Crais, Ancients, and god-like aliens of all kinds. He skipped the twinning for Aeryn's sake and paused panting and sweating, his voice getting weaker as he approached the time when he first met Scorpius. He wondered for the thousandth time whether he was born under an unlucky star.

"Dad, I can't be your kind of hero," he began after another drink and a slight rest. Jack rose up slightly in his chair at this confession but before he could respond, John continued, "I thought I was getting the hang of living in the UTs. Aeryn was teaching me how to fight. We were running constantly and I was so tired of running. I had killed. I am not the John Crichton who left earth. I seem to be his evil cousin who points guns at people first and asks questions later. I- I didn't know how to tell you this. How to bring you into my new world with its violence, terror, and constant running. I don't want to run any more."

Jack reached out and gently patted John's arm, which twitched under the tentative pressure. "Son, remember I said to be your own kind of hero. That doesn't mean going out and saving the day, being the first to do something, or even avoiding conflict. I meant that you would discover a strength in yourself that could surmount your own fears. Sounds like you did that in spades. I can't believe you saved Moya by talking to an inter-stellar creature or faced an alien who ate bones to rescue this Zhaan you speak of so reverently from another alien using only your wits and stubbornness. What more could a father ask? I care that you say you killed, but I bet you never did it without provocation. It's a sign of your loyalty and protectiveness that let you pull a trigger to defend.

Olivia had been listening silently to John's story. She was saddened by how harsh his life had been and how her big brother who wouldn't hurt a fly had been forced to shoot to kill. Yet, she found herself nodding at her dad's words. It was true, John had always been loyal, stubborn, and defended Suse and herself with his fists and bravado all her life. She wasn't surprised to hear that his quick wits and fast reflexes played a part in his survival.

"John, remember when you beat up Billy what's-his-name when he kept stealing my lunch money? You didn't just hit him, you got him to admit his thievery and then hit him. I remember thinking back then that you certainly had your own way of doing things. I agree with dad. Please, don't be so hard on yourself for something you had to do."

John slowly nodded his head. He tried to lift his hand to rub at the bandage over his cheek but the arm wouldn't move. He sighed and looked at Olivia where she sat with widened eyes and sad expression. "Livvie, remember Mom said to walk a mile in another's shoes but Dad said that we should not let bullies get away with stuff? I hear you and I hear Dad, but I keep wishing that Mom's advice worked better out there. I keep screwing up. My plans suck. But I'm getting better."

He swallowed some more water from the straw and slowly pulled his thumb up out of his closed fist. "Sis, you rock. Jus' wanted to say that." He cleared his throat and looked down and then over at Aeryn, his eyes softening. "But there were good days, too. You see, I met this Peacekeeper chick. She knocked me against a wall, then slid me across a floor, and for good measure, immobilized me by sitting on my chest. She had me at, "hello." John grinned. Aeryn grinned back and Jack and Livvie finally saw the radiant Aeryn Sun and knew they had John and his weird sense of humor, ability to joke through pain, and someone who's bravery they saw evidenced his whole life, but who could never acknowledge any of this because he thought he'd never be as good as his father. Jack saw the different hero in his son's eyes. He closed his own for a moment in exhaustion. He wasn't getting any younger. But then pushed away the feelings and worries about his house, the press, the Brass, and such as John continued with what was obviously very painful for him to recount.

John was continuing his story and Jack found that he'd been ruminating through it and missed why John suddenly found himself captured by a very scary creature dressed head to toe in a black leather cat suit. Oh, it was for Aeryn! John did that crazy stunt of jetting down to an enemy base without knowing what he'd find or the rules for Aeryn. It started that early. He shook his head and gave John his complete attention.

John continued as if he hadn't noticed the blank-eyed look in his father's eyes. "I knew I was totally screwed and managed to leave the ejector where Chiana could find it. I was so scared. I admit it now. I was stupid, too. What did I really know about military procedures and Peacekeeper ones at that? But there I was dragged and tied into a chair that came straight out of a horror movie. My head was held by a leather contraption and the thing, the entire chair and this weird-assed TV setup started to spin. And as it spun, I got zapped by an electric current that made the one this new critter gave me seem pale in comparison." John was trembling as he remembered the Aurora Chair.

Aeryn's eyes were glassy with held-back tears as she listened once more to John's sacrifice for her. She had been so short sighted in her grief. So selfish. What had John ever done but offer her love, compassion, and solace and she had thrown it away thinking this John was a copy. And still he came back to her. Even as she ran away one more time. She knew in her heart that the two Johns were the same. Same quiet patience, same stubborn insistence on doing the brave but stupid protective acts for their families, and look where it got him. And he says he was pushing me away to again protect me. She knew there was more to his behavior than just protection. She sensed his hurt and pain. It was the same as hers. And she couldn't begrudge him his small secret. She also sensed when he mentioned Grayza that there might be more there, too. She knew the Commendant used the Delos hepple implant. What if John had tangled with her. Chiana had been hinting about something happening on Arnessk. She'd get to the bottom of that story later. More pain for John, but she knew that wounds sometimes had to be lanced to heal cleanly. Like the wounds of the heart she was hearing at that moment. She squeezed his hand gently. It seemed less painful to him.

John was speaking of wormholes. Olivia had no idea what he was talking about but from the appalled looks on Aeryn's and her father's faces they had to be bad. John's face was growing paler by the moment as he recounted the torture he received in that awful chair. And he says that that alien was on board Moya? How could John stand to live with his torturer? What had happened to allow such a situation?

This Scorpius knew John had some sort of affinity to wormholes? Jack was appalled. He looked over and shook his head at Aeryn to make John stop. He was weakening as he recounted the most terrible parts of his story. Jack couldn't stand the suffering he saw on John's face. Aeryn placed her fingers on John's lips, saying quietly, "Perhaps we should continue tomorrow and let you rest, John."

John was grateful and mutely nodded. As Aeryn turned to leave with the others, he whispered, "Stay, please." She sat by his side through his terrible dreams where he cried out and thrashed, almost pulling out his IVs in the process. By morning he had barely slept and his gray face and still limp arms showed the affects of his terrible night reliving The Chair and aftermath.

He sat silently as Aeryn fed him some jello and coffee. He made a face at the tastes but ate them slowly. He was embarrassed that he still couldn't hold a thing without terribly painful pins and needles running up his fingers and palms of his hands.

But, he smiled warmly at his father and sister as they entered the room. "Hey," he called quietly.

"Hey back at ya," Olivia said brightly. "You seem somehow happier this morning despite your zombie state. Any news from the doctors?"

Aeryn spoke for John who lay back with his eyes closed, resting before resuming his story. "Yes, the medics came and said that John has sensations in his feet and it shouldn't be too long before they want to get him up and moving. This means we have to leave soon. John hasn't spoken of it yet, but his being here places Earth in great danger. Scorpius may be living on Moya, but he is not a friend. And there are other enemies who want John because of his knowledge of wormholes."

John chimed in. "Yeah, I'm the go-to-guy for wormhole technology. The big bad terrorist of the Uncharteds. Dad, what Scorpius found was that the Ancients I spoke about on my earlier trip down a wormhole where Aeryn met "you" had given me the keys to the wormhole kingdom. Only, I didn't know I had the keys nor how to unlock the door. But Scorpius thought I had. And, there were other bad guys in town called Scarrens. I met them because they wanted to know what Scorpius wanted me for. See, he's half-Scarren. Hot-blooded lizard critters with bad tempers. They had me good, too."

Aeryn looked at him sharply. "When? What haven't you told me?" She frowned, and thought back a cycle to when John disappeared for a solar day and they'd thought him drunk when they found him asleep in the transport pod smelling of excrement and sickness. She was embarrassed now because she thought it was just the human being deficient and drinking himself into a stupor. Now, oh, now she realized that a Scarren interrogated him. How he got away was a puzzle. He was talking about blowing up Winnona! And another strange behavior of her poor human was explained. Oh hezmana what he had been through. And she hadn't understood why he was growing paranoid and so scared. She felt terrible. Is this compassion? She'd remedy her past behavior now.

Jack was trembling as he heard one after another story of how John had been terrorized, tortured, and chased due to his growing knowledge of wormholes. He understood now why John had such a low opinion of his own people's ability to stand together should the bad guys follow him through the wormhole. Jack had to work harder to unite his scattered and distrustful people. Everyone. He couldn't disappoint this boy who'd been again protecting his family by taking the brunt of the pain on to himself. Alone it seemed.

John was panting and exhausted when he finally reached the end of the saga. He'd left the Grayza as a mystery. He couldn't speak of that time. He wasn't sure he could tell Aeryn, but from the look at her face, he knew he'd have to find a way. He was sweating and his eyes drooped.

Jack and Olivia looked at Aeryn with pleading eyes because they knew it was time to tell John the awful denouement of the story. Now that they knew a lot more of John's harrowing history out in space, they could see why he closed himself off so intensely during his visit to Earth. And it was a visit. How one man could carry the weight of the universe on his shoulders and remain standing was beyond Jack's comprehension, but there was John doing it. So Jack had to be strong, too. "John, this is lousy timing, but we have bad news," Jack said quietly while holding himself steady for either the anger or another agressive reaction from his volatile son. Livvie sat still and looked at her hands where they were clenched together in her lap. Jack reached over and squeezed them because she had lost a brother just as much as John had. D.K. was family. And everything began with family. That's what he taught his kids and that's what he believed.

John was barely coherent but at his father's words fumbled for Aeryn's hand. What now? he thought. Oh Gawd, Holt's done something stupid and pushed the time schedule up for the scientists! John swallowed and tried to keep steady while inside he felt his entire body tensing. "Spit it out, Dad," he stated slightly harshly.

"That creature who attacked you also got to D.K. and Laura, John. They're dead."

John's face turned white but his expression remained calm. Jack was totally incredulous. "Did you hear me? D.K. is dead!"

John nodded, "I heard you, Dad. I'm not surprised. Collateral damage. My middle name. One more death, no two more deaths on my list. It never ends. Aeryn, there's the other shoe. Help me roll over, here. I want to sleep now."

Aeryn tried to figure out what to say that would break John out of his sudden freeze. There was nothing to add. In John's mind D.K. and Laura had to die because everyone around Crichton died. "So, you're just going to lie there and suffer? You selfish fekkik! You preach family to me and compassion to me and you just lie there when your father and sister also lost their friends? Is this the person you want to be, John Crichton?" Well, I guess you must be the copy after all." Tears ran down Aeryn's face at what she had to say to the man. They matched the shock and tears on John's as he starred speechlessly at his erstwhile lover. Jack and Olivia were flummoxed at Aeryn's words.

Livvie recovered first. "John, we didn't know how to tell you about D.K. and Laura. We didn't find out ourselves until after the attack. The police want to talk to you. We're holding them off. I realize you're not strong enough to hear the news. But don't shut us out again. I couldn't bear it. You can take on the universe, be strong for us now, please." Her words cut through John's misery and self-loathing. Pulling himself together, he struggled to reach out to his father and sister. His arm lifted off the bed trembling and they caught his hand in their's. He continued to silently cry for the loss of their innocence.

"I didn't want you to know about my life. I didn't want to bring it home with me. I wasn't meant to be here. Earth wasn't, isn't ready. Death follows me everywhere. Now, you know. Poor D.K. and Laura never had a chance. Christmas critters bite in my world. I'm so so sorry." His shoulders shook with his enormous need to hold back the images that now flashed across his vision. He could see D.K. and Laura where they lay struggling and crying with out able to make a sound as that Thing dug through their minds for wormholes that weren't there. He couldn't stop feeling the pain of their deaths along with the visions. His breath shuddered and his lips turned blue. Alarms went off on the machinery as John began to buck and shake on the bed from lack of air.

Aeryn, rational to a fault, ran to the Nurse's buzzer but the doctors and nurses were ahead of her, rushing into the room with their equipment. They quickly intubated the suffering man and turned on the ventilator and injected him with the relaxants that would allow him to breath. When all was quiet again, the Doctor looked up and asked, "What set him off? He might have seemed strong, but your son and brother is extremely fragile. You need to leave now. He's had a major set back. We'll let you know when you can visit again." Nurses escorted the shocked pair to the door.

Jack whispered, "Oh John, we're so sorry to have shared the bad news. We forgot that you always seem stronger than you are." He knew he would have to ask Aeryn more about her comment that John was a copy. There obviously was more pain to hear about, but not now. "Livvie, the Doctor's right. I don't know what got into me to tell him the news now. Let's go." He choked back his tears at the depth of John's mental anguish. He had seen men suffer from battle fatique but he'd never thought it would happen to his boy. But there it was. They'd get him help. Make him stay and heal. Live with his coming rants and anger. John wouldn't be his John any more, but he'd be more. Jack nodded at Aeryn who remained by John's unconcious body with the machines breathing for him. "You take care of my boy. He loves you."

Aeryn nodded back at John's father as she sat herself down for a long wait while John processed the news in his own way, deep inside. She'd have to hope he was also coping with her terrible words. Somehow she'd make it up to him. Get him the help he needed to love again. She knew that his family would be there for him.

The last nurse flicked off the light and all was quiet.

The End.


	3. Chapter 3

He was drowning and he didn't care. All his crimes, all the blood on his hands was flowing in an eddying undertow dragging him down and he couldn't breath or wouldn't inhale the terrible effluent. He could feel himself sinking and knew that if he hit bottom that was it for this spaceman. So he desperately grabbed for the first thing that came to mind... he was the copy; the golem; the man of clay who only walked through the world causing problems without the ability to feel the results. That's it. He was a copy, a simulacrum of John Crichton. How else to explain all of the terrible things he'd done in the name of love and compassion.

The real Crichton is still playing pickup basketball with his favorite friend and brother while they argue astrophysical theories and engineering algorithms all hours of the night. The real Crichton was making gentle love to Carolyn knowing that she was a standin for his lost Alex. He was the guy who visited his dad on weekends. Kissed his younger sister and listened to her boy woes; and wrote to his nephew Bobby and his distant sister, Susan to keep his family functioning. He wasn't that guy.

So, he reached deeper and pulled up all the hidden pain until again he drowned in his follies. He seemed to drift through a red haze over the effluent of a ruined life. Who was he kidding? Aeryn was right that he was the copy. Who was he to doubt this woman who only spoke truth. Only a copy would compete desperately with a smaller lonely boy who only tried harder to follow in his footsteps. Daniel Knox, best friend, punching bag, never good enough but good enough to take advantage of like he'd taken advantage of every single person in his sorry golem life. When did he realize that he didn't even really like D.K.? When did he begin to take advantage of D.K.'s desperate need to live up to the Crichton aura of success? He was such a detestable creature.

He saw again how he punched his playground rival in the nose after the kid had stolen his bike. He saw again and again D.K. right beside him as he swaggered through childhood, teenage, and finally young adult years. Always there. Always badgering him to take the easy road, the fame and brass ring. D.K., his amanuensis. What did he want in his life? When had he become a man of clay even before Aeryn discovered his better part and left the ugly, pitted shell back on Moya?

Now he saw the tower of arrogance he had erected round and round without a stair or a window around his relationship, or non-relationship with D.K. He had never realized how much D.K. wanted the fame and fortune to validate their efforts — proove to John that he was worth the casual friendship John threw his way. And each time John brushed D.K. off, sent him off with an engineering solution he'd already solved, he added a brick to the tower surrounding his heart. He now realized, too late, that his clay feet had added that last brick the day he took off, the big hero, on Farscape 1. It took three terrible years in space and real twinning to realize that he'd never thanked D.K. or even Laura and others along the way who put up with his stupid pushing to be great himself. Yet, the glimmer of light seemed to shine from the very top of the terrible edifice he'd built. Call it passion for a theory; hunger for knowledge; or even just intellectual freedom; it shown from that tower where his friends resided and it came, he realized at this moment of dissolution, from their shared commitment to the unknown.

Even though he knew the tower was as unreal as the river of blood and sweat he swam through, a figment of his illness, he picked up the handy pick axe and attacked the tower with all his limited strength and low and behold, it began to crack. You can't hear the terrible crashing sound of the stones as he hammered at those walls he'd erected his entire life, hiding his true feelings, his own stone heart and it seemed to melt into mud and pebbles as that tower came down around his knees and bloody body where the figments of shrapnel cut at him.

He knew he was beyond redemption in the eyes of his so-called friends, D.K. and Laura, but he could at least try to explain what happened to him out there in the armpit of the universe and how he met his downfall and learned humility because he felt completely humble by the shear destructive power of his anger and self-hatred. He faced D.K. and Laura's apparitions with a bravery he rarely felt and looked them in the eyes where they floated amidst the broken stones of their prison. John stepped forward with his arms outstretched toward the couple as they stood blinking in the red haze that was slowly clearing as John approached. They smiled and shook their heads. John, the dreamer. John, the leader whose need to prove himself trampled over everything in its way, including friendships and love. John, the compassionate who didn't realize that even as he refused to allow others to share in his intensive search for knowledge and answers also took on everyone's pain and problems; finding solutions for D.K. problems on the SATs, Alex's medical aspirations, and even his Dad's depression over the loss of Leslie. And they stepped in unison towards their friend. The tears ran down John's face while chips of muddy red earth sloughed off his cheeks as they embraced. He couldn't believe the depths of their compassion after all the dren he'd treated these two people, part of his center, to. He didn't think about it at that cathartic moment, just embraced it.

The two friends held John up as they always had as he seemed to slump in exhaustion, his lips turning the blue of the ventilator and tubes that held him tenuously to life. He smiled.

Aeryn watched as John seemed to struggle, sweat pouring from his forehead as he alternately frowned, cried, and shuddered. Then he smiled, a deep sigh and seemed to breath more easily.


End file.
